“Nancy! Nancy, you’re needed in San Francisco.”

“It sounds urgent, Aunt Kathy. What is it?”

“It IS urgent, my dear niece. My friend Jenn discovered a rare vintage 80’s sweater on Etsy…but by the time she found it, it was sold.”

“Oh no, Auntie. That’s terrible. Can’t she knit it?”

“That’s the trouble, Nancy. This would be her first sweater–and I can’t find a pattern that’s quite on.”

“Have you looked at Ravelry?”

“Indeed I have, my girl. Perhaps the equivalent is hidden under another name.”

“Golly, this IS a mystery! A mystery worthy of Nancy Druid, Girl Knit Detective. I’ll get right on it, Auntie.”

Nancy hung up the rotary phone without saying goodbye, and thought about the problem at hand. How could she find this missing pattern? How could she skip school and go to San Francisco? Where would she get the money for a plane ticket? But all of this was nothing compared to a mystery that piqued the curiosity of the famous girl detective.

It must be a pattern good for a beginner, with a lot of sass, sexiness and fun knitting. If a pattern couldn’t be found, why, she’d make one! If one took slight liberties with the pattern, it could easily be knit top-down, in the round. The yoke would have the diamond lace pattern, which would lead to slimming lines of lace down to the bottom. Add a little shaping in the waist, and why, yes, this could be done.

But even better if one could find a pattern first. Nancy put on a rust orange over-the-knee sweater, a butter-colored cardigan, and her trusty brown oxfords. After all, this was going to take a lot of legwork and she needed comfortable shoes.

One plane ride and BART ticket later (luckily, the amount of reward money she’d earned in the Case of the Shattered Diamond had paid exactly that amount), she emerged into the sunlight at 16th and Mission. Gosh, Nancy thought, there certainly are a lot of people muddling about for the middle of the day. Why so much yelling? What’s that strange smell? Straightening her shoulders and refusing to make eye contact, she purposely strode toward Valencia and 19th, where she’d talk to her first witness: Princess Animal.

What do you think, fair readers? Will Nancy be able to find a pattern that works? Or should she just make one up as she goes along? What yarn should she use? Does the sweater have to be black? The suspense is killing us!

If you, or someone you know, has encountered a sweater pattern of similar mien lately, please inform the top-down, seamless authorities in the comments below.

No doubt your world was rocked this week with the news that Heidi Klum and Seal are getting divorced. Seal we know as the soulful, mysteriously scarred, stylish one-named singer of about two songs or so. Heidi we all know as supermodel, but more importantly, as the producer/host of the really-rocky-in-recent-years Project Runway. Along with Tim Gunn’s “It’s make it work time, people!,” Heidi sprouts the immortal line “Az you know, in fashion, you’re eizer in…or you’re out.”

Which leads me down this particular rabbit-hole. Follow me, dear reader, won’t you?

I recently had a little chat with a friend who seemed, shockingly, not to understand the earth-shattering importance of Princess Animal. From the outside, the World of Yarn Craft, or yarn stores, seems trivial.  But from inside our little not-so-secret, not-so-elitist society, it can be everything.

I found I had a really hard time explaining to an outsider how important the craft is to us fiberphiles.

Outside: uh, okay, you’re knitting. Whatever, old lady/man. Why would you make socks when you can buy them for a pittance of the price and time?

Inside: It’s an addiction, a life we can’t get enough of, a way to calm our minds (I’m a big fan of the neurological effects of knitting), restore order, think things through, relax, engage, connect with our special community, create, design, stretch our abilities, learn, check out, check in, show love, show art, show off, and continue a tradition that’s bound people together and clothed the world since (at least) ancient Egyptian times.

For the Princess and our Regent (me), it really is a way to connect with the People. Every day, we see the particular slightly crazy shine in the eye when someone realizes we have yarn. It’s the spark of a lot of conversations, of a pastime rediscovered or a fix fed. We can immediately tell you’re One of Us, One of Us. And we’re breeding more One of Us’s all the time. Currently, we have a little contingent of super hip 10 year olds who are big fans. Like, way cooler than I was when I was 10. I’m hoping to do an interview with one of them coming up, and Z., I think you know who you are…

It’s like the secret society anybody can join, if you have the desire to persevere. Once you get past that initial frustration, you’re in. And we’re happy to have you. We want you in our secret society. And once you’re in, yup, most likely you’ll spend the equivalent of a church’s tithe. It’s like Ravelry. You request an invitation (do they still do that?), but once you’re in, a whole world is revealed to you.

Skull and Bones. The Masons. The Yarn and Needles/and/or/Hooks. Not to get all woo-woo, but it’s all about community.

So, welcome in. The yarn’s fine.

What’s your favorite aspect of the community of yarnies? Or is it a solitary exercise for you, like onanism?

And sorry about the repeated image, here. Effing wordpress.

Before you add this post to the growing crap-pile of “New Year’s Resolutions” blog postings, consider this:

We’re calling this an evolution, because evolution is long and gentle, and you don’t get down on yourself when it doesn’t work out.

So here’s some stuff for the new year, which the Princess is pondering upon. Some business, some personal, though not so personal that it’ll be things like “go to monkey/human hybrid gynecologist” or anything like that.

1) Classes: Yes, yes, We’re aware We’ve been lax in that department. You still love Us, though. But here, now, let Us vow: We will have more classes. Knitting. Crochet. Paper crafts. And even the more unusual. If you have an idea, and you’re skilled in a particular crafty area, let Us know!

2) New table: Perhaps it’s time to invest in something that’s beyond a harvested door held up with some PVC. No offense to the table, it’s served us well. But every time we wind yarn, it’s probably best that someone not call it in to the Bay Area Earthquake Center.

3) More visits/classes by famous people: We’re not saying who. Because We don’t know yet. Perhaps Kanye. Lady Gaga. Or Cookie A. If you are an A-G list crafty diva, give us a call!

4) This will be the year we finally do the Rock ‘n Roll Craft In, avec bands. For sure. We feel it in Our bones. But remember, we’ve got a whole year to set this up.

5) More kits: Maybe needlepoint? DIY plastic surgery? Dunno.

6) Epitomize Alexis Carrington That’s right, the holiday rush is almost over, I’m almost done with making things for other people (so tedious), so now it’s all about me! I’m going to treat myself well, like Alexis would, by making myself a sweater. For me. No one else. My friend and Princess Animal Acolyte Mer always starts a new sweater for herself on Jan 1. I love it. I’m going to steal that idea and do the same. But which one, which? So many excellent ones to choose from.

7) More cool yarn, including another bespoke line, this time with Little Red Bicycle…details coming soon.

Write that damn knitting book…again, details to follow.

9) Take other people’s feelings into consideration: Or not. Whatever.

10) Write lists that end in an even “10.” Like Bo Derek.

So that, then, is the Animal dropping a bit of evolution on ya. (Oh, also, We’ll perhaps stop speaking in hip-speak in which we are far from fluent). Last, but not least, we leave you with this oldie but goodie thought on evolution from one of our very favorites, Mr. Alan Partridge. Abide.

What are your evolutions for 2012? Comment, comment, as you’ve never commented before (and you probably haven’t).